Your First Year Wet Himself
by sdrawkcab21
Summary: Harry hates Draco. Draco hates Harry. Right? Wrong. In a nut shell, Draco rescues first years, Harry forgets to eat, Ron screams, and a first year wets himself. Probably not slash, but anything can happen!
1. Damp Encounters

Draco sighed.  
  
It was a sigh of the thoroughly disgusted, disgruntled, and dissatisfied.  
  
You couldn't really say he was unhappy, because he really had nothing to be unhappy about. His father was finally in Azkaban, where he belonged, may he rot in hell. Upon realizing that he hated his father more than anything, he felt kind of guilty; after all, the evil bastard was his father. Of course, memories of him whispering Crucio chased those thoughts out of his head. Draco was a Slytherin prefect, and there wasn't a kid in the house who wouldn't wet themselves should he tell them too. He was even dating Blaise Zabini, brainless but, hell, her equipment wasn't exactly lacking. He had received 11 O.W.L.s, most definitely not bad. So no, he wasn't unhappy.  
  
He was.... Bored? Maybe. God knows nothing was happening around here. Or, rather, everything was happening around here, just not to him. Wake up, eat, class, quidditch, eat again, and go to sleep. Repeat as necessary. Of course, bloody Harry Potter had plenty to do, what with dropping Divination to have private DADA with some chick with pink hair. Stupid Potter. Always walking around like the world was ending. Mope here, mope over there, pick at some food, and mope some more, that's all he ever did. Draco scoffed at the thought. Some savior he was. There was nothing Draco wished more then Harry Potter going back to being the arrogant perky bastard he had been. Now... now he was acting like, well, Draco. Draco was the one that moped around, because that's what made him so unfailingly sexy. He wasn't a cruel heartless bitch, he was misunderstood. One lip twitched into the trademark Malfoy smirk. Misunderstood. Right.  
  
Draco pulled himself from the window where he had been mindlessly gazing out across the lake. He was pretty sure he had just seen the giant squid reach up and grab some first year. Better go haul them out. Draco mentally sighed. If it's that god damn Richton again, I might just let him die. He's nearly been digested three bloody times this month.  
  
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Harry Potter collapsed backwards into his bed. Now what? He thought. He had finished his extra DADA lessons with Tonks early, having accidentally set her hair on fire. It's not like I meant to, he mused, I just wanted to cook my hamburger a bit more, and she got in the way. Completely innocent. Harry could hear footsteps on the stairs. Someone had been sent to check up on him. Great.  
  
THUD  
  
An obviously graceful someone. Twenty gallons its Ron, Harry bet himself. The door opened. Footsteps. Harry smiled, with feet that big, the footsteps almost had to belong to Ron.  
  
"Glad you find setting Aurors on fire funny Harry. I told you that you needed a new hobby," said a very disgruntled Weasley somewhere off to Harry's left.  
  
Ron. Damn, I am good. Twenty gallons to me, Harry smiled. "You missed dinner. Again."  
  
Eating was not that important to Harry anymore. Of course, you could set your watch by how Ron ate. So it didn't surprise Harry that that was the first thing Ron thought to say.  
  
"Are you just going to lie there? You do remember that Snape assigned a two- footer on the uses of powdered bison horn in sleeping potions, right?"  
  
Snape. Damn Snape. Trust him to ruin a perfectly good moping. Despite what Ron thought, Harry was pretty much convinced that Snape was to be trusted. Just not liked. Never liked. He wrinkled his nose in disgust.  
  
"HARRY!!! ARE YOU DEAD??"  
  
Ron was inches from his face, and screaming as loud as humanly possible in an attempt to rouse him from his homicidal thoughts of Snape.  
  
"No, and it wouldn't matter if I was, a scream like that would still wake me up, and put me in about the same mood." Harry shoved Ron off of him, stood unsteadily and stretched his sore muscles. When he wasn't in classes or training, he was flying constantly, and his body let him know how much it protested.  
  
"Good morning to you too, sunshine." Ron raised an eyebrow at Harry's disgruntled appearance and bad mood. "Go eat."  
  
"Why? I ate yesterday."  
  
"Eating = fun. And you need fun." With that, Ron shoved him out of the portrait hole  
  
Why the hell not? I could go for some mashed potatoes right now or maybe a bit of pie... Harry was surprised to find he was hungry. Haven't been hungry in a while...Interesting. He meandered down the halls, thinking off all the ways he could cause Snape bodily harm with common Muggle household things like staplers. Or maybe a wooden spoon. Or...  
  
CRASH  
  
A very wet and disgusting looking Malfoy looked back at him from his identical spot on the floor; Harry had not been watching where he had been going, and obviously neither had the sopping wet blonde. An even wetter (if that is possible) and slimy and half-digested first year stood cowering off to the right.  
  
"POTTER!!! WHAT IN THE HELL WERE YOU DOING? YOU FILTHY HALF-BLOOD!!" bellowed Malfoy. His face started to turn a shade of red not commonly found in nature, yet surprisingly similar to the face of Uncle Vernon. Harry couldn't help but picture Malfoy and Vernon in a screaming match. The thought was too funny. He couldn't help it. He sniggered.  
  
"WHAT IN GOD'S NAME IS SO FUCKING FUNNY? TYRING TO RUN ME OVER? OH YES I FORGOT YOU'RE THE BLOODY BOY-WHO-LIVED-TO-KNOCK-ME-OVER!! IT ALL MAKES BLOODY SENSE NOW!!" Malfoy violently pushed a large clump of mud and grime out of his vibrantly blonde hair. Harry idly wondered if it glowed in the dark.  
  
"Malfoy. This day keeps getting better and better," Harry hauled himself too his feet and found, though a bit dustier and slightly damp, he was none the worse for wear. Malfoy continued to scream and curse at everything that moved, causing the majority of the halls' portrait's occupants to flee to less... vulgar areas. Malfoy was currently telling him in which very specific parts of his anatomy that he could stick his "FUCKING PILE OF TWIGS YOU THINK IS A BROOMSTICK" Harry decided to refrain from telling Malfoy that his broomstick was at least twice as good as his in order to keep full possession of his other broomstick. Malfoy looked right about ready to rip it off.  
  
"Sod off Malfoy, you'll fucking wake the dead." Harry said, and trotted off towards the kitchens, pointedly ignoring the shrill screeching voice following him down the hall describing just how very dead he would be when Malfoy was done with him.  
  
"Oh, and Malfoy?" Harry turned around at the end of the corridor to look back at the disheveled blonde standing at the other end. Surprisingly, Malfoy stopped his assault on the ears of anyone within a ten mile radius.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Your first year wet himself."  
  
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Draco lay awake in his bed, Blaise asleep next to him (he was a horney 16 year old with a hot easy girlfriend... what do you expect?). Somehow, he couldn't get Harry out of his head. Great, this is lovely. I fuck my girlfriend, and then obsessively think about my arch nemesis, who just so happens to be the most sought after guy in school after yours truly. Next I'll be reading "How To Be A Happy Homosexual." Fucking grand. Something about the way his screaming of insults hadn't ignited Potter's temper like it usually did bothered him. The look on Potter's face... it was almost as if he had somewhere else more important to be, like arguing with Malfoy wasn't good enough for him. Draco fumed at the thought. Not good enough for Harry bloody Potter my ass. So what if he can save the world five times over? We all know he's not getting any. Draco looked fondly over at Blaise and finally drifted off to sleep. 


	2. In The Quitiddch Shed

Harry was, once again, lying spread-eagle on his back in his dorm, contemplating the meaning of life. So far, he had figured that string cheese was better than cheese in a block. The savior of the wizarding world was a deep thinker, obviously. Ron was lying in the exact same position, six feet to his left on his bed. He, on the other hand, was currently contemplating a certain bushy-haired bookworm who was presently lying in a similar position in the girls' dorms, pondering a certain freckled red- haired Weasley. But that's another story.  
  
"Harry?" Ron's voiced was laced with apprehension.  
  
"Mmmm...," Harry's voice was muffled, as he rolled over to place his face unceremoniously into the center of his pillow. "What?"  
  
"Do you think Hermione would go to Hogsmeade with me? I mean, she wouldn't have to go as my girlfriend or anything, but I mean maybe we could stop at that place you went to with Cho and talk a bit? What was it called? Madam Purple Foots?"  
  
Harry groaned and slammed his fist down on the edge of the mattress. "Madam Puddifoot's. And that's not the place to go if you fancy talking. You're better off with The Three Broomsticks, trust me mate. Hermione might castrate you if you took her to the Hogsmeade equivalent of the Astronomy Tower."  
  
"Yeah, yeah you're probably right. But, what are you going to do?" Ron sat up to look over at the lump that was Harry. "If she agrees to go with me, that is."  
  
"Dunno. Maybe I'll just stay here, and see if I can get Seamus to go flying with me. That'll be fun."  
  
"You know, Harry, you could have any girl in the school. And probably half the guys too, it that's what you want..." Ron looked nervously over at his friend. He had been wondering why Harry never seemed to go on dates, or even flirt with girls. Maybe I should buy him How To Be A Happy Homosexual for Christmas...  
  
"I don't fancy boys, Ron, if that's what you're wondering. I'm just a tad traumatized by having some bitch start screaming at you and making a big scene on your first date. And anyway, the only thing I know about girls is that they don't like Dudley, the fat cow." Harry sat back up and threw his legs over the edge of the bed. "Not to mention the fact that I just lost the most father-like figure in my life and I'm not in the best mood for dating right now."  
  
Ron blushed a sheepish pink. "Sorry mate. Just wondering, you know. It would be fun, though if you came with us, you know, as a double date." He smiles across at Harry. "Not that you couldn't come anyway, I mean if you want to..." He said nervously. Harry had been known to explode rather frighteningly at people sometimes.  
  
"No, Ron I think I'll find my own entertainment. But if you don't ask her soon, Neville might beat you to it..." Ron paled slightly at the though and ka-thunked down the stairs so loud you might have thought a Hippogriff was loose in the castle. Well, he finally did it then. Hermione and Ron. God, it's about freaking time. They've been ogling each other for ages. Harry tried to go back to his moping, but found that it wasn't working. He decided to go down to the common room and see what had transpired between the two lovers. When he got there, he found them permanently joined at the mouth. Making up for lost time, I see. Which means it's on to choice B. Flying. His mood lightened a bit at the thought of flying; it always did. If there was anything that you could honestly say that Harry loved to do, it was fly. You couldn't be expected to save the world when you were 100 meters above the ground, now could you? Of course not. The walk down to the Quidditch pitch was surprisingly uneventful, he passed only Hannah Abbot on the way down, and she smiled sweetly at him and waved. She's cute. Maybe she'd go to Hogsmeade with me. And I bet you she wouldn't care if I didn't beat Voldemort. But that would mean that he'd beat me and we'd all be dead. So maybe she would care. Oh well. Harry paused outside the Quidditch shed, where he could hear muffled moans and the occasional scream from inside the shed. One side of his nose wrinkled in disgust. Of all places to do it...my god... Then, an evil smile slowly slid over his well-chiseled features. Who ever said blackmail was wrong was most definitely NOT presented with an opportunity like this...Harry leaned in to better hear what was going on. The day was looking up after all...  
  
"Blaise, darling, you're so tight...what have you been up to??"  
  
Blaise??? DRACO'S Blaise? He couldn't tell who the guy in there with her was; his voice was too low and husky to tell.... Please let it not be Malfoy, so I can tell him and ruin his life. Please, let it not be Malfoy, Please, let it...  
  
"Drakey-poo, you of all people would know....." Blaise giggled in a girly way that was so like nails on a chalkboard. So it was Draco. Oh well. Harry got up to leave, but was soon brought back by the next few whispered words.  
  
"Just relax Blaise darling, I'm going to put it in." Muffled squishing sounds followed.  
  
"Ok Drake, just be careful..." Harry raised an eyebrow. Somehow, although Draco was the unanimous Slytherin Sex God, until now, he hadn't been able to picture Draco 'doing it'. Some how, he had figured he'd be the first of the tow of them to take the plunge, he was the hero after all. Harry leaned in to hear better...  
  
"Tell me if it hurts, Blaise dearest," came Draco's voice from inside the shed.  
  
"Ok Drake, Mmmm mmm Drakie that feels so...... nice..... mmm......OH GOD DRACO RIGHT THERE!!! RIGHT THERE OH MY GOD DRACO OH MY GOD DRACO DRACO OH MY GOD!!" Harry jumped back from the door at Blaise's outburst, and landed nearly on top of a very startled Colin Creevey.  
  
"Gimmie your camera Colin," Harry hissed, "And watch as I get this picture put up all around school..."  
  
"But, Harry, my camera is everything to me, what if something happened to it? I mean, I just think..."  
  
"I'll kiss you if you give it to me," Harry waggled his eyebrows and tried to look endearing.  
  
"OK!" Harry leaned in as if to kiss the shorter boy, before grabbing the camera away.  
  
"HEY!!" Colin yelled, "WHERE'S MY KISS??"  
  
But Harry was to busy trying to position himself in the best possible place to get the perfect picture of the Slytherin Prefect. "Wait till Dumbledore sees this, Malfoy will be out on his ass," he mumbled. With that, he whipped open the door, and Blaise's continuing screams got still louder. As the flash went off, Harry was completely shocked by what he saw. Draco and Blaise sat at opposite sides of the room, fully clothed, Draco holding what looked like a long stick with a hand pointing at Blaise.  
  
"Hello Harry. Fancy a bit of tickling?" Draco asked nonchalantly.  
  
"T-T-TICKLING? But I thought you were....but... What is that?" he finished lamely, pointing at the stick.  
  
"Oh, this? It's my newest invention, the tickler. See? You hold it to a person's armpits and it tickles them. Like so..." Malfoy stabbed Harry in the armpit with the hand end and it immediately started to tickle him.  
  
"OH GOD MALFOY IT HURTS!! MALFOY NO, TAKE IT OUT TAKE IT OUT!! AHHHH THAT'S NOT MENT FOR THAT!!! NO, OH MY GOD!!" At this last scream from Harry, the door to the shed was once again opened and Ron stood in the doorway.  
  
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TWO DOING IN HERE!!!? WHEN MIONE FINDS OUT YOUR SHAGGING MALFOY HARRY SHES GOING TO KILL YOU!! WHY I OUGHT TO...." Ron's ranting came to an abrupt end as he noticed both boys were fully clothed and on opposite ends of the shed, Blaise in the middle.  
  
"Hey Ron, fancy a tickle? Harry asked, and grinned mischievously.  
  
"A.... tickle? You were tickling him?" Ron's jaw dropped as he looked at Malfoy.  
  
"Yes, of course, what did you think?"  
  
"I, um, I didn't, I mean, Nothing." While Ron had been stuttering and looking generally uncomfortable, Harry had grabbed another tickling stick, and crept behind Ron. With a look at Draco, they both jabbed his armpits with the sticks at the same time.  
  
"AHHH HARRY HOW COULD YOU? YOU AND MALFOY?? THIS IS SICK!!! NO TAKE IT OUT!!! PLEASE HARRY HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?? PLEASE NOOO PLEASE IT HURTS HARRY PLEASE OWWWWWW MALFOY NOOOO NOOOO IT HURTS SO BAD TAKE IT OUT THAT DOESN'T GO THERE!!! HARRRRRYYYYYYYYY"  
  
The door to the shed was blasted off its hinges and a very pissed of Hermione stood outside the door. "HAROLD JAMES POTTER GET YOU ASS OUT HERE RIGHT NOW!!"  
  
Harry reluctantly stopped tickling Ron to step outside. Draco followed. "We were just tickling him 'Mione. Completely harmless. What did you think we were doing?"  
  
"YOU ARE GOING TO BE IN SUCH BIG.... What? Where did you get these?" She asked, grabbing the sticks from the boys' hands.  
  
"Draco invented them," Harry replied quickly.  
  
"Draco? Mmmm," Malfoy turned his attention to Harry. "So I'm Draco, am I?"  
  
FUCK FUCKITY FUCK FUCK FUCK, Harry struggled to come up with a witty reply.  
  
"Draco has much better rude and vulgar options for insulting names," he said, mentally sighing. Yeah, like he's going to buy that.  
  
"Oh. Right." If Harry wasn't so sure otherwise, he would have thought that Draco looked a bit disappointed. He probably just thinks I'm a moron...better insulting names my ass...  
  
Hermione looked at the two boys, complete opposites of each other really, and the redhead still gasping for air on the ground. Blaise got up and quietly dusted herself off.  
  
"Well, I'll just be going. It's been fun!" She said sarcastically and stalked towards the castle.  
  
"I'll, um; well I'll just be joining her, then, um... Goodbye Potter, Granger, Weasel." Draco walked as fast as he could without running back inside, managing to look a bit like a constipated duck with a gimp leg.  
  
"However stupid this might be of me to ask, WHAT were you doing here in the first place?" Hermione said, and poked Harry with the stick.  
  
"OW! I was just going to go flying. No harm in that. It's not my fault Malfoy likes to tickle people." Harry scowled at her and tried to look as menacing as possible.  
  
"Stop scowling Harry, you look like a farting wildebeest. Why is Colin Creevey unconscious over there?" She pointed to a lump of robes ten feet to the left, where Harry had left him after stealing the camera. "And why are you holding a camera?"  
  
"I... well see I really wanted to take a picture of..." All of the sudden, what he wanted to take a picture of didn't sound as good, so he continued "...the giant squid, yes, see, because he jumped up out the water and I wanted his picture." Harry smiled brightly at his excuse. "Colin just happened to get so excited when I asked for his camera he passed out."  
  
"Harry, it looks like he was hit over the head! What did you do, smack him?" Harry couldn't remember hitting the midget, but he supposed it was possible. He had REALLY wanted that picture. A Malfoy-free school. It would have been perfect.  
  
"I might have," he replied sullenly "I can't remember."  
  
"Well, fine then, be that way! Ron, come help me get him to Madam Pomfrey, maybe she can wake him up." Hermione then started trying to lift the unconscious turd. Ron wandered over  
  
"Hermione? What's a wildebeest?" he asked his voice full of confusion.  
  
"RON!! SHUT UP AND LIFT!!" Hermione was red with the effort of lifting Creevey.  
  
"Fine... stupid git." With that, Ron and Hermione trooped off towards the castle, holding Colin by his feet and his mousy brown hair. Feeling evil, Harry decided not to tell them about the Mobilicorpus spell. He smirked, and reached into the shed for his broomstick. Finding it, he started off towards the Quidditch pitch. There, he stood around for a few minutes before he realized he really didn't want to fly anymore. With a frustrated sigh, he followed the rest of the group back towards the castle. Stupid Malfoy he though. I bet, he can ruin a perfectly good day just by fucking breathing. Cocky bastard.  
  
A/N: Idea for this chapter came from a teammate who was in the locker room with the trainer getting her knees worked on, and made some similar sounds. The rest of the team heard just the conversation, and here is what it resulted in. Classic. I'm writing this in the downtime between basketball and softball seasons, because I have nothing better to do. If people want, I will keep posting new chapters, and hopefully throw a plot in here somewhere. But my ultimate goal is to kill Lucius Malfoy because he is a snarky bastard. After that, my life will be completed. 


	3. Drunken Frenzy

Harry Potter was pissed. Of course, he had been drunk before, but never like this. This was mind-numbing, liver-ruining, staggering-on-pavement drunk. Hannah Abbot, who he had just asked out, was not quite as drunk, but I'm not sure it's possible to be any near that drunk and still be conscious. If Harry Potter was anything, he was certainly the Boy Wonder. Hannah threw her head back and laughed, pouring more Firewisky into her mouth, overflowing it and spilling all over her front. It was a Saturday night at Hogwarts, and Ron and Harry had snuck a ton of alcohol back into the school. It wasn't that hard, considering Fred and George had it all waiting for them to come pick it up.  
  
"Now remember boys, should you get caught, you did not get this from Fred and George. You got it from Gred and Forge. Understand?" Fred had told them as he shoved them back into Hogwarts newest secret passage, leading from Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes straight into the Gryffindor tower. Of course, upon getting a few drinks into their system, Ron, Harry, Hermione, Seamus, and Dean were all drunk as sin. Harry had set off to find Hannah Abbot to bring her into the festivities, and upon bringing her back, they discovered that Hufflepuffs were indeed loyal.... to the bottle. She must have drunk more than anyone except Harry.  
  
"Guyhs! Hey, letsh all go into Hogsmeade, and have a night on the town, sheee?" Harry giggled like a girl at his proposition. Ron, Hermione, Harry, and Hannah all staggered to their feet with some difficulty, and started in the direction of the secret passage. Of course, Dean and Seamus were conveniently blocking the way, and were sucking face like nothing anyone had ever seen before.  
  
"Thash incredible!!" Harry cocked his head a bit to the left and squinted. "How do they bend like that?" Some of the things the two boys were doing probably could not be replicated by anything short of monkeys or snakes. The foursome watched the natural wonder for a while, trying to figure out how to get past them into the passage.  
  
"Oh, Guysh!! I had an I-de-a!!" Ron said, and pronounced every syllable, like someone who is trying very hard not to sound drunk but is totally trashed. "Letsh use the old pashage, behind the humped witsh, you know?" All of the room's residents who were not currently defying nature with their mouths agreed, and they staggered out the portrait hole. The Fat Lady gave them a disapproving look and mumbled something about teenagers and alcohol, but the four were too trashed to hear or care. When they reached the witch, Harry muttered the password and they all slipped into the hump and staggered on towards Hogsmeade. No one, in their drunken frenzy, thought to close the hump, so it remained open and gaping for an also drunken Draco and Blaise to find. Draco, being the pompous assholes he had been raised to be, was still capable of normal speech, mostly because it would be an insult to the Malfoy family if their children weren't able to hold their alcohol. So, other than the smell, and his slightly odd behavior, it was hard to tell that he was really all that drunk.  
  
"Blaise darling," Draco said in his perfect Malfoy drawl, "have you ever seen this passage before?" Blaise shook her head and exploded into giggles, grabbing various parts of her boyfriend to keep her balanced enough to take another swig of her firewisky. Draco slid an arm around her waist to keep her upright. "Well, my dear, what are we waiting for? Let's go!" -------------- "Blaise? Blaise where are you?" Draco worriedly looked around him at the other end of the passage, in the basement of Honeydukes, and then bent (a bit unsteadily) down to peer back into the trap door. "BLAISE!" He rose again. "Quite chilly in here. Wonder where I am? It's bloody freezing!" Just then, he turned to hear peals of laughter coming from the stairs. The smashed Golden Trio stood at the top, along with bloody Hannah Abbot, who's waist was the current resting stop of Harry's hands. As he watched, the laughing and drunken Boy Wonder fell off the basement stairs to land on a box of Jelly Slugs.  
  
"Ooff. Christ, thash a long way down. Bloody soft landing though." He tried unsuccessfully once, twice, three times before staggering to his feet. He looked around and blinked stupidly, before catching sight of Malfoy, whereupon he sat shot-put right back into the Jelly Slugs. High-pitched giggles flowed from his mouth.  
  
"Malfoy," he gasped, "WHERE IN THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOUR PANTS?" No matter how stupid the question sounded, it was none the less completely deserved. Malfoy stood in front of them in just his underwear.  
  
"On my legs, Potter, how much did you drink?" Draco tried his best to look dignified, as his put his hand on his hips. Incidentally, hips where no pants rested. He anxiously patted his hips, thighs, butt, and back to his hips before looking down. "WHERE IN THE BLOODLY HELL ARE MY PANTS?" Indeed, Draco had a right to be cold. He was butt naked from the waist down. Ron collapsed off the stairs and landed on top of Harry in the Jelly Slugs in a fit of laughter.  
  
"MY GOD MALFOY!!! WHAT A DAY TO GO COMMANDO!!!" The rest of his words were drowned out by the ringing laughter from the girls at the top of the staircase, who were holding on to each other to avoid joining their significant others in the Jelly Slugs. Malfoy hurriedly transfigured a box of Cockroach Clusters into gray trousers, and pulled them on, with mumbles of "bloody drunk Gryffindors" and "where in the bloody hell did my pants get to?" Just then, Blaise literally fell up the stairs and out the trap door.  
  
"DRACO!!! YOU FORGOT YOU PANTS!!" she screamed through mad high-pitched giggles. As she rolled out to floor level, you could see that she was tangled in a pair of guy's grey pants. "I PULLED THEM OFF AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE!!" Hermione and Hannah lost it. Off the stairs they went amidst mind numbing laughter, making a large heap of bodies and Jelly Slugs.  
  
"This is ridiculous. I will NOT be stuck in a room with a bunch of bloody Gryffindors," Draco stalked to the door.  
  
"I RESENT THAT!!!" Hannah screamed, because, she was indeed a Hufflepuff. Draco cursed and attempted to open the basement door leading to the back room of Honeydukes. It didn't open.  
  
"It's locked. Though why it would bloody be locked at 11:00PM at night is beyond me," said a slightly squished Harry from the bottom of the pile of Jelly Slugs/insanely drunk friends.  
  
"Now what?" Draco dejectedly plopped down onto a box of blood-flavored lollypops. Harry emerged from the mass of bodies, his drink amazingly still intact, and flopped down next to him on a box of Fizzing Wizbees.  
  
"Now, we play the drinking games, dearest worst enemy," Harry paused, and a baffled look came over his face. His mouth opened and closed a few times. Draco was about to ask him if he was ok, when he belched so loud a box of Ice Mice squeaked in protest. Harry suddenly smiled contently. "Gather round!" Harry yelled to the other three, as they pulled up crates of their own. Draco looked disgusted at the thought of playing with the likes of them, but he couldn't come back so early, not when he had made such a big deal of sneaking out of the castle late at night. He looked down at his feet. Blaise appeared to have passed out right at his feet. Draco sighed.  
  
"Blondes," He mumbled and shook his head. His hair was coming undone, he had to pee, and his pants smelled like Cockroach Clusters. Wasn't sneaking out after curfew supposed to be fun?  
  
"Here's what letsh do," Harry said as he tried to contain himself. "Does everyone know how ta play 'I Never'?" Everyone generally nodded, some more drunkenly than others. "So I'll go first." He thought for a moment, before saying "I've never missed the snitch," he said and grinned evilly at Draco, who tried his best to glare menacingly as he took a swig from his bottle of Firewisky. It looked a bit strange though, because he was, of course, drunk.  
  
"Well the rest of us never attempted to catch it, so I guess that means we never missed!" Hannah said, and nearly fell off her crate. "Now, my turn!" She thought hard, and finally came up with one. "I've never had sex," she said with a proud smile, and looked around to see who drank. Draco (of course) and surprisingly Harry managed to get their bottles to their mouths and swallow.  
  
"Harry!" Hermione exclaimed, "You? Who? When?" Harry suddenly looked pained.  
  
"Please... Don't ask." Something in his face implied he was really pained by the memory. Then he belched, and looked significantly better.  
  
"My turn!" said Ron, a bit to enthusiastically, and he rolled off his crate onto the floor. After righting himself, he said, "I've never changed the color of my hair." Hannah, and *gasp* Draco raised their bottles and drank. Everyone stared at the not-so-blonde blonde accusingly.  
  
"What?" he questioned, "You think people would be so intimidated by a mousy- brown haired Malfoy?" he snorted. "My father was enraged when I didn't have the legendary bleach-blonde hair, so he colored it himself. It has yet to wear off. I do think I prefer it this way, though," he finished and looked thoughtfully at a stray lock of hair that hung just below his eyes, before blowing it away from his face. Hermione sighed dreamily at this, but at an elbow by Ron, she straightened. Malfoy smirked at him. I pity you, Weasel, he mouthed, she'll never love you like she loves me...  
  
"Right, my turn," Hermione called attention back to her. "I've never read How To Be a Happy Homosexual," she said. Ron drank. "Oh, EW. And I was kissing you earlier?" Ron shrugged, and put his hands up in mock defense.  
  
"I was curious! I mean, I just wanted to know!! Go again, if it makes you feel better." Hermione nodded, and composed herself  
  
"I've never got a B" She looked unreasonably proud of herself. Everyone drank. No surprises there. So, the score stands at Hermione with zero, Hannah with one, Harry and Ron with two, and Draco with four. And it was his turn. He looked accusingly at Harry.  
  
"I've never saved the world." Draco said, and pronounced every syllable a bit more than normal. The alcohol was getting to him. Harry drank. Everyone else swayed on the spot, except for Hannah who smashed face first in the floor, out cold.  
  
"Wicked" Ron said, before joining her, smashing his nose on the ground as he fell. Hermione giggled, and, being unique, passed out backwards.  
  
"What now?" Draco looked confused at the sudden departure of his drinking buddies.  
  
"Now I look like a hero, even when I'm drunk as shit, by using Mobilicorpus and bringing them all back. Damn, I am good." Harry belched yet again and waved his wand at his three drunken friends, and they all levitated upwards, heads lolling around on their necks and toes skimming the ground. They lined up and went single file into the trapdoor and back towards Hogwarts. Draco imitated the wand waving that Harry had performed, and Blaise's arm flopped weakly at her side. He did it again. Same result.  
  
"POTTER!! POTTER GET BACK HERE AND HELP ME!!" Draco looked accusingly at the spot where Harry had been. Someone shouted from within the tunnel. Blaise rose, and plowed Draco over on its way through the trapdoor, Draco's pants trailing like a cape, effectively pulling him down the stairs into the tunnel, and slamming the door behind him.  
  
"POTTER!! POTTER WHAT WAS THAT!! POTTER!! HELP!!" Draco printed the length of the tunnel, to jump into Harry's arms at the other end, passing the unconscious Blaise on the way down. Harry unceremoniously dropped him on his butt in the corridor back at Hogwarts.  
  
"Shhh!" he hissed, "someone will hear you!" Draco nodded, caught Blaise as she rocketed out of the witch's hump, and started off towards his dorm.  
  
"Potter?"  
  
"Yes?" Draco pointed to Hannah, and the ever-increasing puddle of yellow she was lying in, congratulating himself already for the great one-liner he was about to say.  
  
"Your girlfriend wet herself." Draco could have kissed himself for having the last word like that, it was so... perfect. Surprisingly Harry smiled, and pointed to Blaise, who was in Draco's arms, and the large dark stain spreading slowly over them.  
  
"So did yours."  
  
Draco screamed and ran as Blaise went wee wee wee all the way home.  
  
A/N: Wow this took forever. Time for bed. I have so much fun writing this, I don't care if anyone ever reviews or not. Fun like this should be illegal. Anyone notice the How To Be a Happy Homosexual as a reoccurring theme? Well, I thought it was funny. Email me sdrawkcab21@hotmail.com with comments, or if you think of a plot. Because, I have no plot. And it could come in handy. 


	4. Harry's Not A Virgin

Harry awoke with a splitting headache and hardly any memory of the previous night. Around noon, he got up and staggered into the shower, where he promptly fell asleep against the heated tiles. Only when he slipped and crashed onto the floor did he wake up, wash properly, and staggered back out looking not much different from the way he went in, except he was all wet. Ron was waiting for him when he got back, looking not much better then Harry felt. His red hair was tangled and matted and there were circles under his half closed eyes.  
  
"Harry mate, Hermione wants you in the common room. And she said you have to go now or she'll hex off Mini Harry." Ron winced at his choice of words. "Sorry about that, but she cursed me, I had to say it or else Mini Ron would be no more." He paled noticeably at the thought. Harry nodded and began to trot off towards the door before being called back.  
  
"Harry?" Ron looked about to burst with contained laughter.  
  
"What? Do I have something in my teeth?" Ron had to sit down and catch his breath before answering, he was laughing so hard.  
  
"No, mate go ahead down like that, give the girls in the common room a good show. But bring your wand, half of them might faint!!" Harry looked down, and realized he was wearing nothing but a towel.  
  
"Not bloody funny Ron," He mumbled as he pulled on boxers and a pair of gray sweatpants. Ron continued to crack up on his bed, and a strangely high- pitched wheezing sound started coming from his nose. Harry fought for a minute or so with a sweatshirt, trying to pull it over his head, before Dean came over and kindly attempted to show him that he was trying to sick his body into the head hole.  
  
"I knew that," he mumbled angrily and stalked out the door, slamming it behind him. Seconds later his head re-appeared, hair sticking out at all odd angles, and screamed back into the room:  
  
"STOP BLOODY LAUGHING"  
  
Slam  
  
Thud, thud, thudthudthudthudCRASH  
  
Harry had gotten so upset he had slammed his shirt in the door, taken two steps and then crashed all the way to the foot of the stairs. Now he had ruined his favorite shirt, half of it still being a flight of stairs up, his glasses were shattered somewhere in the vicinity of his left hip, and there was a very angry looking blue trainer tapping irritably two inches from his face.  
  
Hermione. Shit.  
  
"Grand entrance Harry, is that how you wooed your wonderful lover? WHO YOU NEVER TOLD US ANYTHING ABOUT!!"  
  
Harry shoved himself to his feet and uncoordinatedly brushed a matted bit of hair out of his face.  
  
"Morning, Hermione." Why aren't you hung-over? He thought, or did you know a handy little charm? I knew I should have read more.  
  
"WAS IT CHO? THE SLUTTY BITCH SHES NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU!! I'LL FRIGGIN..."  
  
"It wasn't Cho. No one at Hogwarts. At least, not anymore." Harry settled himself in the most comfortable chair, and smirked back at Hermione.  
  
"Then who was it?" She towered over him, and gave him her most penetrating stare.  
  
"Well, it was back in first year, when I was young and naive, and no one had yet tried to kill me..."  
  
*Flash back*  
  
Harry strolled up to Dumbledore's office, wondering what he could possibly want. He hadn't done anything crazy yet.  
  
"Sherbet Lemon," he told the gargoyle and followed the twisting staircase up to the office. Opening the door, he saw Dumbledore sitting behind his desk, and an even older and more decrepit, if that's possible, wizard sitting to his left.  
  
"Ahh, Harry, how nice of you to join us! This is my dear friend, Gandalf the White. We have just been reminiscing on the good old times, and you came up in conversation! Mr. Gandalf is really an amazing wizard," He winked at his old friend, who smiled, and strangely, Harry thought, blushed. Dumbledore continued, "He defeated the evil wizard that Saruman, and assisted a really short, yet devilishly handsome little man with the most beautiful blue eyes, and the most strangely erotic feet, and who could bend into amazing shapes...." Dumbledore got a strange far away look in his eye, and a slightly lopsided smile graced his wrinkled-as-a-prune features, similar to a smile you would see on someone who has just had a large amount of sedation drugs pumped into their system. Gandalf snapped his fingers repeatedly in front of Dumbledore's face, and he snapped back to reality.  
  
"Erm, yes, he helped Frodo the sexy, erm, small hobbit destroy the ring and save the world. Similar to what you are destined to do. Oh dear did I say that out loud?" Dumbledore had just told Harry in no uncertain terms that he would have to save the world, but no matter because Harry was busy trying to poke the Sorting Hat to make it sing.  
  
"Um, no matter, Professor, because I was attempting to poke the Sorting Hat to make it sing." Harry sat back in his seat, and looked at the two nasty old men in front of him. "So what do I have to do with this?"  
  
"Well, you see Mr. Potter, I was hoping to get a chance to show you some saving-the-world techniques, you see. Like how to ride really fast and not get blinded when your beard gets caught up in the wind, because it will not be the hero that fell of his horse because he couldn't see where he was going that saves the world, it will be the hero that can prevail!" Gandalf giggled and pushed his hat back up onto his head, because it had begun to slip down over his eyes and he couldn't see Harry properly.  
  
"But I don't have a beard. I'm eleven." Harry looked from one man to the other.  
  
"No matter!" Gandalf's grin was beginning to look forced. "I know plenty of things to teach you that could come in handy. Why, I know all about the realm of Gondor, and the plight of middle earth, and twenty five ways to drink milk with a straw. And only ten involve your mouth!" He grinned broadly and tried not to look like a young wizard molester. Oops, did I say that out loud?  
  
"Really? COOL!" Harry leaned forward in his chair and stared at the old wizard expectantly. "When do we start?"  
  
"Right now, my boy, if you want! Come, back to my private chambers where I keep my stash of, erm, straws." Gandalf hustled the boy out the door and through long complicated series of passages, before nearly shoving him through a door and slamming it behind him.  
  
*** Later that night, Harry lie awake in bed thinking about his 'learning' experience. Funny, he thought, I always figured 'Blowing the Horn of Gondor' was supposed to summon the great armies of the west. He rolled onto his side; he rear was a bit sore. I don't think I remember eating a knut, and I definitely don't think there was any reason for him to attempt to retrieve it. Especially with THAT. Bloody old wizard must be loosing his mind.  
  
*End Flashback*  
  
"You see, Hermione, I didn't even know I slept with him until Ron read How to Be a Happy Homosexual and told me. He was very interested in it, surprisingly." Harry looked perplexed and possibly slightly disgusted at this realization.  
  
"Uhg, Harry, too much information. Go back to bed."  
  
So Harry did, on the way up retrieving the other half of his shirt from its place in the door jam, and giving Ron a good kick (he was still laughing) before hurling himself beneath the sheets. 


	5. Draco And The Benifits of Leather Chasti...

Draco hauled his sorry ass out of bed around noon Sunday morning. It took him a good ten minutes to remember the events of the previous night, and Blaise's 'accident'. He promptly ran down to the common room, and hastily scribbled a note for her. He read and re-read it over and over to make sure it was perfect. It was. He wrote it; of course it couldn't be anything less. It read:  
  
Dear Blaise-  
  
I am afraid that it is time we should see other people. Sadly enough, I am afraid I am not interested in girls with bladder control problems. Buy a bag of Depends and some medication and then come see me.  
  
Your disgustingly peed-on ex boyfriend,  
  
Draco Malfoy  
  
Yes, that would be the perfect way to let her down. Firm, yet caring. Just the way he liked to think of himself. He tacked the note to her door, and then rushed back to his own dorm to shower and get read to meet Professor Snape in the dungeons for an extra credit potions assignment. He really hoped it wouldn't take long, because he had a bad hangover and wanted nothing more than a nice dark room and a day of sleep. He stripped and stepped into the shower, letting the water cascade over his unhealthily pale skin. He shampooed his hair (repeatedly, can't have bad hair when you're a Malfoy) then dyed it (repeatedly, can't have brown hair when you're a Malfoy) then tied a fuzzy white towel around his waist and stepped into the bathroom. He then proceeded to pluck his previously perfectly plucked eyebrows (repeatedly, can't have a uni-brow when you're a Malfoy), shave the nearly invisible bit of peach fuzz on his chin (repeatedly, can't have peach fuzz when you're a Malfoy), and moisturize his face with no less than six different creams and exfoliates (repeatedly, can't have bad skin when you're a Malfoy). When he was done, he puffed out his chest and spent nearly half an hour studying himself and telling himself how beautiful he was. It was hard to keep up the traditional Malfoy arrogance, and he occasionally needed to pump himself up a bit. Finally, he returned to his dorm to get dressed. He grabbed a pair of boxers, and struggled to pull them on. Midway through, he noticed his leather chastity belt lying on his dresser. He stopped his assault on the boxers, and put it on instead. Then, he resumed getting dressed. Checking himself in the mirror one last time, he pronounced himself fit to go out, and slunk out into the dungeons.  
  
He didn't quite pay attention to where he was going, and he pulled open what he thought was the door to Snape's private chambers (where he had been told to report) to find not Snape, but Crabbe and Goyle both attempting to grope a blonde Gryffindor girl, who looked more than a little bored. The trolls were bad at groping. Actually, the girl seemed more than a little interested in drawing on her olive green canvas sneakers.  
  
"May I ask why you are allowing both of my bodyguards to grope you, while you study you feet? Most girls only let one," he inquired, and raised one eyebrow. He always prided himself in being able to raise one eyebrow, something Potter couldn't do. Bloody Gryffindor looked like a moron whenever he tried. Not much different from usual, come to think of it.  
  
"Well," she began, seemingly ignoring giant wandering hands, "I couldn't decide which one to have grope me, so I decided to have them both." Here she smirked in a decidedly Un-Gryffindor way. "Also, I was kind of hoping that with both of them together, they might form a brain cell and might be capable of forming words. I was wrong. So very wrong. So tell me, Slytherin Sex God, how do manage with such morons as friends?" Draco's one eyebrow had nearly risen into his perfect hairline, as random hand pinched random part and this bizarre muggle-shoe wearing girl didn't seem to notice.  
  
"I, of course, have myself. It keeps me sane," Draco said, and restored his eyebrow to its normal position.  
  
"Of course. If you don't mind, Adonis, this is slightly embarrassing, and I would prefer that it be done where no one would see. That is why I chose the door next to Professor Snape's private chambers, figuring no one would come here. Obviously he has more visitors than I thought." She gave him an appraising look. "Pity, too. You could have made so many women happy."  
  
"I am visiting Professor Snape for extra credit in Potions, nothing else!" he replied haughtily.  
  
"Of course," Random Girl said as she closed the door on him. "And I'm Prince Charles. Nice to meet you." The door closed and he was alone in the hallway. Bloody Gryffindors...  
  
Draco opened the door to Snape's quarters, and entered. He was totally unprepared for what he saw. Everything was.... Pink.  
  
"I must be in the wrong room," Draco muttered and turned to leave.  
  
"Oh, but my sexy, erm, sweet boy, you aren't. Welcome to my humble abode!" a very drunken Snape said, and threw an arm round Draco's shoulders, leading him further in and throwing him onto the couch. Snape sat opposite. Draco noticed on the copy table a hardcover of How to Be a Happy Homosexual. All of a sudden he was very uncomfortable.  
  
"So, Draco, about this extra credit...." Snape began. "It will not be a potion. It will be more a...test of where your loyalties lay. Tell me, do you trust me?" Draco merely nodded. "Good.... Very good..." ---------------------- Draco lie in bed later that night, feeling eternally grateful to his beloved chastity belt. Snape had eventually pinned him to the couch, stripped him, and then encountered the belt. Screaming in rage, he threw Draco out.  
  
"Professor?" Draco had asked meekly, "What about---"  
  
"AND THERE WILL BE NO EXTRA CREDIT! NOW GET OUT!!" Snape had turned an unnatural sort of purple, and Draco left in a hurry. He was not anxious to go to potions tomorrow. He rolled over onto his side, and snuggled deeper under the covers. I think I'll write Blaise another note. Or, come crying to her and tell her about what happened with Snape. Yes, and then maybe she'll make me feel better in the Quidditch shed after dinner... ------------------------  
  
Meanwhile, in Gryffindor Tower....  
  
"I HATE YOU!"  
  
"YEAH? WELL I HATE YOU MORE!!"  
  
Ron and Hermione stood at opposite ends of the common room, screaming at the top of their lungs, both approximately the same color as Ron's hair.  
  
"Trouble in paradise?" SeamusandDean (not Seamus and Dean, because that would imply that they actually were apart for more than thirty seconds at a time).  
  
"I think they're fighting over the remote," Harry replied, and raised an eyebrow at the words being said. Hermione told Ron to do something Harry was not sure was physically possible (but Dumbledore and Frodo can assure them that it is...)  
  
"I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!" screamed Hermione, and she ran up to her dorm as Ron collapsed onto the couch. A random fourth year that no one bothered to learn the name of because they are not that important walked down the girl's stair at about the same time, spotted Ron looking dejected on the couch, and immediately attempted to walk like a supermodel, shoving out her chest and attempting to strut, looking a bit like a turkey. On second thought, a lot like a turkey. She reached him, and cooed in his ear, and then she slowly pulled him to his feet whilst attaching her mouth to his.  
  
"Come with me Ron. Let me cheer you up," Harry distinctly heard her say. Harry raised his eyebrows as Ron gave him two thumbs up as he was forcefully shoved up the stairs. Moments later, Hermione came flying down the stairs.  
  
"RONNIKINS!! I'M READY TO FORGIVE YOU NOW!!" She screamed, and looked around for him. Upon noticing his absence, she pouted.  
  
"Erm, Mione, you're about a minute to late. A random fourth year that no one bothered to learn the name of because she was not that important stole him and is presently shagging him in his dorm." Harry tried to let her down as easy as possible. She ran back up the stairs sobbing.  
  
"Nice," said SeamusandDean, as they smirked at him "Don't worry, they'll get together eventually. And at least Ron will get to drink the next time you guys play I Never. Bloody embarrassing to be sixteen, best friend to the savior of the wizarding world, and still be a bloody virgin."  
  
A/N: Random girl with the canvas shoes being groped = Amy. Random girl currently shagging Ron = Kassi. The part with Draco and Snape is short, because frankly I couldn't think of anything to write. I for one have never worn a chastity belt or been groped by a teacher, although Mr. Reccio I for one think he has tried. Bloody pervert. Tried to grope Robbie too. Anyway, this was yet another plot less but fun chapter. Hope everyone enjoyed. 


	6. On A Mission

Harry shoved Hannah against the door to the quidditch shed, and molded his mouth to hers. Tongues intertwined, hands met skin, clothing met ground, and a very naked Draco Malfoy stuck his head out of the door.  
  
"Scuse me?" he said, and tapped Harry on the shoulder. His usually impeccable hair was ruffled and disheveled, and his pale skin was flushed pink. "Right, Potter I know you're the Boy-Who-Lived and all, but we are trying to have a shag here, and all this banging is kind of distracting." He looked expectantly at Harry, who momentarily looked around as if he had forgotten where he was and why Draco was there.  
  
"But we booked the shed," Harry said.  
  
"You... booked... the shed?" Draco rose and eyebrow.  
  
"Yes, we booked it from 3:00PM to 6:00PM." He looked at Draco like he had grown another head. "Check the list."  
  
"The list?"  
  
Harry shook his head and reached inside the shed to pull out a brown clipboard with sheets of paper attached. He squinted at the page and ran a finger over the lists of names.  
  
"Ackerly & Bones....Creevey & Weasley.... Voldie & Snape... Voldie and Snape? Uhg. That's just gross... Ahh, here we are... Potter and Abbot, 3:00PM to 6:00PM." Harry showed the sheet to Draco, pointing out their names.  
  
"Oh. Well. Can I have just a moment then?" Draco disappeared into the shed without waiting for an answer. Hannah and Harry went back to their snogging. In a moment, Draco, with his god-like body walked proudly out of the shed wearing nothing but a quaffle strategically placed in front of the family jewels. Blaise followed, wearing a towel and two bludgers as a coconut bra. Keep in mind, bludgers like ramming into things. Couldn't have been comfortable. She winced as they rocketed around in her hands. Draco, in all his pale naked glory, stalked unconcerned into the castle without once looking back.  
  
"Remind me to always bring extra clothes," Harry said, and pulled Hannah into the recently vacated space.  
  
Meanwhile, in the castle..........  
  
Ron staggered downstairs to an empty common room, with exception of SeamusandDean, who were snogging madly on one of the couches.  
  
"Like bloody rabbits, they are..." the other lone occupant of the room heard him say. Hermione turned in her chair.  
  
"You should talk, going and shagging a random fourth year that no one bothered to learn the name of because they are not that important right after you fight with me!" Hermione scoffed at him. Ron would have retorted, I'm sure, if the portrait hole had not flown off it hinges, and a tall, emaciated man stepped through it. He was deathly pale, even paler than Malfoy, and his hair was jet black, hanging limply to his shoulders. His eyes gleamed completely black, no white, no other colors, no variations, just black. When he looked at Ron, Ron felt as if he could see right through him into his soul. There was something decidedly inhuman about this man.  
  
"Hermione..." Ron whispered, "What is he?"  
  
"Vampire..." she answered. Ron swallowed loudly.  
  
"Oh shit..." Slowly, they backed up away from it, but it was to no avail. The vampire rose his hand and Ron saw a blinding white light, and then...  
  
...Nothing  
  
Needless to say, no one was around to see the vampire slink up the girls staircase, and return minutes later with yet another unconscious Weasley thrown haphazardly over his shoulder.  
  
As Draco flounced proudly through the castle, the girls (and a good amount of the boys) fainted after catching just a glance of his large amount of exposed flawless pale skin. He was currently standing on a table in the Great Hall, posing for the large crowd that had gathered, watching as one by one they fell unconscious. Suddenly, a first year, Draco couldn't remember the name, went up in flames. Completely incinerated. Draco winced, hopped off the table, and began counting the number of bodies strewn on the floor. Thirty-seven! A new high! He wondered how to score the pile of ashes. Add points, or subtract them? Something tells me it's bad to send people up into flames... As he pondered, Snape and McGonagall strode through the doors, spotted him, and nearly ran over. Draco repositioned his Quaffle. Upon reaching him, both passed out.  
  
"Interesting..." Draco headed off towards the dorms, but was sidetracked by voices in the teachers lounge.  
  
"Ginny Weasley...vampires.... Dumbledore...sending...Potter... find him... save her..."  
  
Draco put the scraps of words together, and ran off towards the dungeons to get dressed.  
  
"What do you MEAN Mr. Potter is not in his rooms?" McGonagall paced Dumbledore's office in fury. Professor Flitwick cowered in fear.  
  
"Well, it appears he is out of the tower, as are most of the children on such a nice day..." Flitwick wrung his hands in a particularly Dobby-like way.  
  
"GO FIND POTTER!!" Flitwick turned tail and sprinted out of the office. Flitwick sprinted out of the castle as fast as his short legs could, flying across the grounds and screaming at the top of his lungs,  
  
"HARRY POTTER ARE YOU OUT HERE??" He turned around, as he heard thuds and muffled shouts coming from inside the quidditch shed. He ran over and ripped open the door to the quidditch shed.  
  
"HARRY!! HARRY THEY TOOK GINNY!! VAMPIRES TOOK GINNY!"  
  
A very naked Harry and an even nakeder Hannah sprang apart and jumped behind the chests that held the quidditch equipment.  
  
"PROFESSOR!! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!! I SIGNED THE FUCKING LIST!! I HAVE A FUCKING HOUR LEFT!!! NOW GET OUT!!" he bellowed, narrowing his eyes.  
  
"BUT THEY STOLE GINNY!! THE VAMPIRES THEY STOLE GINNY!! WHAT ABOUT GINNY??" Flitwick looked about ready to have a panic attack.  
  
"I DON'T CARE!!! WE WERE BUSY!!!" Harry screamed, and got up with the intention of making a Flitwick pancake, but was stopped by Hannah, who had the decency to get dressed.  
  
"No, Harry, you better go save her. It is your job and all. Good day, Professor," she said and slipped out the door.  
  
"NOW LOOK WHAT YOU DID!! THAT WAS A BLOODY GOOD SHAG YOU MIDGET!!" Harry rose to his feet and began jumping around in rage.  
  
"M-Mr. Potter?" Flitwick stuttered.  
  
"WHAT?" Flitwick winced, and looked at Harry very uncomfortably.  
  
"P-P-Please put some clothes on... Or else I'm going to have a very unfortunate problem..."  
  
Harry screamed and slammed the door in his face.  
  
******************* The two of them sat uncomfortably in Dumbledore's office, Harry leaning as far away from Flitwick as he could, and Flitwick blushing every time Harry crossed, uncrossed, or re-crossed his legs. Dumbledore watched all this obliviously; he was trying to tie a cherry stem in a knot with his tongue. McGonagall finally gave an exasperated sign and told Harry what had happened. She handed him his bag, Harry James Potter embroidered on the front, full of food and a few extra pairs of clothes and an extra cloak and a map and that nifty knife Sirius had given him.  
  
"Professor?" Harry asked, looking up from his bag. "You remembered to pack me underwear right? Because I can't do anything without my underwear. What if I get a wedgie?" "Potter... If you need addition underwear, then transfigure yourself some. Provided, of course you paid at least some attention in my class?" McGonagall raised her eyebrows, which just made her numerous wrinkles seem even more pronounced.  
  
"Of course Professor, I'll just be off now..." Harry walked towards the door, sidestepped a very flustered Professor Flitwick, and headed off towards the front doors. Just as he reached them, a large blonde blur smashed into him from the side.  
  
"Not even ou t of the bloody school and someone's already tried to kill me," Harry muttered as he stood up, and looked down on Malfoy who was still lying on the ground, next to a bag similar to Harry's, with a pair of boxers with little lightning bolts hanging out of it. "Well, doesn't this look familiar? Night shorts ferret."  
  
"Hey, I didn't pay attention in Transfiguration, I had to bring enough to last me," Draco gasped as he got to his feet.  
  
"Last you until what?" Harry asked skeptically.  
  
"I'm coming with you," Draco replied.  
  
"You're what?"  
  
"Coming. With. You. Potter. Understand?" Draco spoke as if he was speaking to a particularly stupid three year old. He was used to it; he spoke like that to Crabbe and Goyle daily.  
  
"But, why?" Harry asked. He couldn't comprehend why Draco Malfoy, his worst enemy, (and best drinking buddy) would want to come with him on a mission to rescue a Weasley, who he supposedly despised.  
  
"Because I'm in love with her, of course. What did you think?" Draco looked at Harry like you might look at a extremely dense hippogriff.  
  
"I... You love her?"  
  
"Yes, of course, you think Blaise can think of any good insults? NO! You think Blaise says 'SUT UP MALFOY' with as much vigor and hatred? NO!" Draco waved his arms for emphasis.  
  
"Well, that's not exactly what I look for in a girl, but, I guess being a sadistic bastard means you have different tastes." Harry started down the steps, before turning when he realized he was along.  
  
"Well, are you coming or what?"  
  
"I just realized that I am about to walk off into the sunset to rescue a poor-as-shit damsel in distress with the bloody Boy-Who-Lived. I am currently considering suicide, give me another minute to mull it over," Draco said. Both boys stood staring at each other for close to five minutes, before Draco followed Harry down the stairs.  
  
"Right, I've decided. Let's go."  
  
A/N: Houston, we have a plot! YAY! And a perverted Flitwick. Never really liked him anyway. Guess what, I can tie a cherry stem in a knot with my tongue. It's pretty cool. Kudos to Robbie for helping me in finding a plot. Unfortunately his didn't quite work out, (Sex, drugs and violence don't leave a lot of room for originality) but none the less I still got one out of the conversation. Am sleepy now, time for bed. 


	7. Through the Forest

Chapter 7-  
  
"Right, I've decided. Let's go." Draco bounded down the path to fall in step with Harry as they walked through the front gates. They strode on in silence for about ten minutes, watching the scenery, the ground, the sky, anything except their companion. As they walked, they passed through Hogsmeade, and past the rolling countryside, until they gradually were walking in a dark and gloomy woods.  
  
"Potter," Draco whined, "I'm tired." Draco put on his best sad puppy look. Harry was unfazed.  
  
"And what am I supposed to do about that?" He rose and eyebrow and continued walking. Draco stopped where he was in the middle of the road.  
  
"Carry me, of course!" he said, like this was the most natural thing in the world. Harry spun on his heel and threw his hands up in exasperation.  
  
"CARRY YOU? ARE YOU INSANE?" He looked at Draco like he was some sort of terrible yet intriguing new creature of Hagrid's for a moment, before turning and continuing walking. Draco stayed where he was, pouting, until Harry had turned a corner and was out of sight. He fidgeted, wringing his hands and shifting his weight. The trees creaked and groaned on either side, casting creepy shadows across the road. Draco could almost hear the whizzing of the chainsaw and the footsteps of the psychotic half-man half- beast coming to murder him, before sprinting down the road after him.  
  
"HARRY!! HARRY WAIT!! DON'T LEAVE ME I'LL WALK!! HARRRRYYY!!" Draco flew around the corner and crashed into Harry's back, sending him sprawling across the grass by the side of the road, where he remained, unmoving. Draco whimpered again, and poked Harry with a long stick. "Harry? Are you dead?" he asked, and poked him again, more insistently this time.  
  
"Poke me again and I will cut off your balls and use them to play Gobstones. Understand?" Harry mumbled into the dirt where his face was planted. Draco jumped back and seemed to shiver at the thought, before regaining his Malfoy façade which he had discarded somewhere down the road where he had been screaming "HARRY WAIT HARRY SAVE ME!"  
  
"Understood. And a gold star for imagination," he smirked, once again ice cold and untouchable, grabbing his bag from where he had thrown it and slinging it over his shoulder. Harry too rose and dusted himself off, grabbing his wand from where it had flown out of his hand. Slinging his bag onto his back, he shrugged his shoulders and headed out down the road. Draco grumbled about running around in the mud with disgusting Gryffindors and followed. Again, they resumed walking in silence, until, coming the other direction towards them; they spotted a small man weaving his way down the road.  
  
"Harry?" Draco asked. He had been remembering the chainsaw-wielding maniac of whom he had previously thought and consequently was slightly wary of their fellow traveler, "What is that?" Harry tried not to laugh, and ended up snorting in a most uncivilized way. Draco wrinkled his nose, and questioned again why he was in the middle of no where with him.  
  
"That, my dear Watson, is a drunk-as-shit... leprechaun?" Harry squinted, took off his glasses, cleaned them, and they returned them to the bridge of his nose.  
  
"That's not a leprechaun!" Draco said superiorly. "That's a midget!" At the word midget, Harry squealed and hurled himself behind Draco, grabbing the backs of his robes and peering frightfully over his shoulder, mumbling something along the lines of "Don't let him get me, don't let him get me, don't..."  
  
"Get off!" Draco shook the still-shivering Harry from his back, and turned to face the tiny man in front of them. "You know," Draco pondered, "he doesn't seem very drunk, just... well... odd," he finished, still looking curiously at the little man. As he came closer, it was evident that he was not drunk, but he still looked like crap. His face needed a shave, the not- quite-visible stubble catching the light and giving his face an unhealthy greenish tinge. His nose was squashed, like that of a pug that had smashed into a wall one time to many, and his eyes were buried under his voluminous eyebrows. He wove across the road with his head down, as if he was looking for something in the dirt. His hair, once probably brown, was matted and caked with mud, twigs, and leaves. His clothes were not really identifiable as clothes; they looked more like piles of rags attached haphazardly across his body.  
  
"You there!" Draco called out. The little man raised his head and looked at them. Draco waved his arm, getting the man's attention, and Harry turned tail and hid behind a tree, still shaking.  
  
"HEY!" Draco repeated. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?" The man tripped over his... err... clothes to get to Draco. When he got closer, the boys realized that he wasn't stumbling; he was strutting, rather like a peacock, and taking his grand old time doing it. When he finally got there, he cackled at the boys (yes, cackled) and gave them an appraising look.  
  
"The question, boys, is not what I am doing here, it is what you are doing here," he said. Draco raised himself up to his full height (a great deal taller than the midget, but still shorter than the cowering Harry)  
  
"I am not a boy," Draco said, looking immensely pleased with himself, "I am a man."  
  
"You're a boy, and a pathetic one at that," the old midget replied, looking faintly amused at Draco's attempt to intimidate him. Draco was infuriated.  
  
"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO YOU ARE TALKING TO??" he screamed, waving his arms as an angry flush crept up the neck of his robes, spreading over his well defined cheekbones.  
  
"Draconis Lucifer Malfoy, of course," said the midget, who was strangely not fazed in the slightest. Draco stopped his ranting at once, and broke into a huge grin.  
  
"So, word of my fame has even reached the lowest levels of life, then?" he said, still grinning. This angered the midget. He threw back the rags, revealing stunningly white robes and raised his arms, effectively dimming the little light that breached the heavy branches. "DRACONIS MALFOY!!" the midget screamed in a deep, reverberating tone. Harry screamed again, and ran further into the woods with a wailing cry of "AHHHHH GANDALF!!" Neither the midget nor Draco, who was now cowering (which was hard to do since the thing he was cowering from was two feet below him) in the wake of the tiny little man, noticed.  
  
"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM??" he continued in the same voice. Draco just shook his head and whimpered, as the immensely ferocious midget waved his arms around and great gusts of wind had Draco's hair standing on end. Harry, in a great bout of courage, had grabbed a large, heavy hardcover book from in Draco's bad (he had dropped it) and was creeping up behind mini-man, and looked like he was intending to smash him over the head.  
  
"I AM THE GRE-"  
  
SMASH  
  
Harry had brought the book down over his head, effectively cutting of the end of his sentence. He cackled madly, mumbling something like "kill the midget". Draco, however, looked enraged.  
  
"What did you go and do that for?" he said haughtily. Harry looked taken aback.  
  
"Shouldn't you be thanking me? I did just save you from the wrath of the pissed of midget. Who, by the way, YOU PISSED OFF!" He folded his arms across his chest in defiance.  
  
"Well, yes, that was all good," Draco said thoughtfully, "although it might have been nice to find out who he was before rendering him unconscious."  
  
"Oh," Harry looked thoughtful. "I didn't think of that."  
  
"Obviously." Draco rolled his eyes and dragged the unconscious lump onto the grass. He then noticed Harry was eyeing the book that was still in his hands rather thoughtfully.  
  
"Draco..." he started, "is this what I think it is?" A small smile played across his lips. Draco hastily grabbed the book back and stuffed it in his bag.  
  
"No, now keep your bloody paws to yourself," he scowled, and promptly sat down on the edge of the road.  
  
"I am pretty sure that was what I thought it was," Harry teased, and watched as an uncomfortable flush crept up Draco's neck onto his cheeks.  
  
"It was not!!" Malfoy replied indignantly. Harry was unscathed. He plopped down on the grass beside his companion.  
  
"Malfoy," he said, a smile evident in his voice, "why are you reading How to Be a Happy Homosexual?" Harry asked, like it was the most normal thing in the world.  
  
"I WASN'T READING IT!!" he bellowed, "I WAS JUST USING IT TO KEEP MY PICTURE OF GINNY FROM GETTING WRINKLED!!"  
  
"Oh," Harry said, and leaned back on his elbows so he was looking up at the other boy. He was thoroughly enjoying making him twitch with humiliation and anger. "Then where did you get it?" he asked innocently.  
  
"Igotitfrommydad" Draco replied very quickly and muffled into his sleeve.  
  
"Where?" Harry had honestly not heard, otherwise he wouldn't have made him repeat it. That was just nasty.  
  
"I GOT IT FROM MY DAD!" Draco was screaming again. "HAPPY NOW?"  
  
"Oh," Harry said for the umpteenth time, "I'm sorry, I didn't know..."  
  
"Well, how else do you think such a moron got to be You-Know-Who's right hand man? God knows he certainly doesn't have the talent. I mean, magical talent. Like, with a wand. I mean, not that kind of wand but..." Draco rambled on until Harry smashed an arm into his chest to get him to shut up  
  
"That's disgusting." He wrinkled his nose.  
  
"You think I don't know it? I mean, god my father talks about upholding the family honor all day, and then weasels his way into someone else's pants for a bit of power all night," Draco's nose formed an almost identical wrinkle. Draco tossed the book in the direction of his bag. Just then, the midget regained consciousness, sat up, and said,  
  
"I AM THE GRE-" before being hit in the head with the book Draco had just tossed, and falling back to the ground.  
  
"DAMNIT!" Draco proceeded to let loose a string of swears involving a hippogriff, a stapler, and various other random objects.  
  
"Can you even do that with a broomstick?" Harry asked when Draco was done.  
  
"No," he replied, "I tried to hex one into doing it to Goyle once, but it broke. He couldn't walk for a week though," Draco finished, brightening slightly at the memory. "Harry," he continued, frowning again, "I'm hungry." Harry snorted.  
  
"And what am I supposed to do about that?"  
  
"Get me food, of course." Draco looked at him like this was the most obvious thing in the world.  
  
"There's food in our bags. Feed yourself." Harry went back to lying on the ground, staring at the sky and waiting for the much-feared midget to awaken. "Well, you see..." Draco started off nervously. Harry did have a reputation for angry blowouts. "I got a bit hungry, and well...."  
  
"You ate all the food," Harry finished, his voice void on any emotion.  
  
"Well, you could say that, yes." Draco stared at him nervously.  
  
"What in the hell possessed me to let you come along?" Harry's voice was still dangerously quiet.  
  
"You did it out of the goodness of your heart?" Draco asked hopefully.  
  
"No, I did it because killing annoying little bastards might not go over well with the Ministry, even if it was you I killed, and even if I am the Boy-Who-Lived."  
  
"Oh." Draco stared into space. Harry hauled himself to his feet, grabbed his cloak and bag and started down the road.  
  
"HARRY!! WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING!!" Draco scrambled to his feet. Harry stopped in the middle of the road, and turned slowly to face Draco.  
  
"To get you food, you numbskull. The people in Hogsmeade said there should be another village just along the way. Draco hurriedly gathered up his things.  
  
"I'm coming with you," he said.  
  
"No," Harry countered, "you have to stay incase he wakes up." Harry gestured vaguely to the pair of stubbly legs protruding from a pile of rags. Draco stopped moving around and looked up, horrified at Harry.  
  
"You wouldn't," he gasped.  
  
"Wouldn't what?"  
  
"Wouldn't leave me here. Alone. In the scary forest."  
  
"Oh, that's where you're wrong," Harry grinned evilly "I would." And he turned and walked out of sight.  
  
Draco whimpered.  
  
A/N: GUESS WHAT!! THIS IS AT RIDDIKULUS!! AND GUESS WHAT!! PEOPLE REVIEWED IT!!! AND GUESS WHAT ELSE!! PEOPLE LIKED IT!!! ISNT THAT AWSOME? Ah well, I think I need a new hobby. 


	8. Sardines

Disclaimer: Nothing is mine. Damn.  
  
Chapter Eight  
  
Harry returned to the side of the road to find a sleeping Draco, wearing the little boxers with the lightning bolts on them and a T-shirt with a picture of himself, blonde hair styled perfectly and skin unnaturally clear, with the words "This Is Your Brain" written on the front. He was snoring most unpleasantly. Draco rolled over, and it was possible for Harry to see what was written on the back. A picture of the Boy Wonder waved at him, one that he recognized as having appeared in the Daily Prophet along with the interview he gave about what happened during the Tri-Wizard Tournament. Underneath, he could read the words "This Is Your Brain on Drugs". Harry quickly charmed it so that the pictures were reversed and Draco's portrait bore the caption "This Is You Brain on Drugs". Draco would be royally pissed when he awoke.  
  
Harry remembered their 'guest' and looked around for him. He was no where to be seen. A muffled grunt came from somewhere above him to his left. He whipped out his wand and whirled, prepared to battle anything that came his way, be it human or not. Of course, when he came face to face with a midget tied to a tree, he felt rather stupid. Rather than untie it, god forbid it had done something horrible to Draco and therefore Draco had felt the need to tie it, Harry turned and gave the other boy a swift kick in the ribs.  
  
"AHHHHHHH" Draco curled up on himself, gasping for breath. "WHAT WAS THAT FOR??" Harry smiled.  
  
"Good morning! Even though it isn't morning, it's more of a late evening... but anyway, I brought food!" Draco sat up, rubbing his ribs, and looked at Harry disdainfully.  
  
"Food?" he asked tentatively.  
  
"Yes, food." Harry threw a muggle grocery bag down at his feet. "Oh, why did you tie up the midget?" he added casually.  
  
"I wanted to sleep. It was staring at me." Now, this was the stupidest excuse Harry had ever heard, mostly because the thing was unconscious. Still.  
  
"He was unconscious!" Harry said, exasperated.  
  
"He was still staring. It freaked me out. His eyes were open. And he still hasn't waked up." Draco said with disgust.  
  
"Oh, well I can fix that. I conveniently remembered I'm a wizard, and we have spells to wake people up!" Harry looked awfully proud of himself.  
  
"We do?" Draco said doubtfully.  
  
"Of course! I figured you, of all people, would know." Harry looked confused. Draco chuckled.  
  
"I don't do anything for myself," he said, "not even color my own hair. You think I would do my own work, when I have others who will do it for me?" He looked at Harry like he was crazy. "Yeah right!"  
  
"Oh." Harry smirked. "Then I know more than you!" he said with relish, before turning to the suspended midget and yelling "Enervate!¨ The midget blinked stupidly a few times, before yawning, shaking his head, and starting where he left off.  
  
"I AM THE GREAT SHAZOOM!!" He yelled in his booming voice, unlike one commonly heard from someone his size. Of course, four year old kids were his size and you mostly heard them saying "Mommy, mommy I was some candy!!" So it was rather remarkable in a sense.  
  
Both Harry and Draco raised their eyebrows. Actually, Draco only rose one, his left one, and smirked in satisfaction when Harry attempted to raise one, struggled, and finally ended up raising them both. Some things never change.  
  
"Shazoom?" Draco said. "What kind of name is Shazoom?"  
  
"A MUCH BETTER ONE THAN DRACO! DRACO SOUNDS LIKE A SNEEZE IF YOU SAY IT FAST!" The midget laughed gleefully in his perch above their heads, kicking his legs and waving his arms and hoping that the rope around his middle didn't break, because he didn't much fancy midget pancakes.  
  
Draco thought about what the midget said. Did he name really sound like a sneeze when said fast? He tried it out, holding the last syllable out longer, then the first. His bottom lip quivered. His name did sound like a sneeze! He had brought shame to the house of Malfoy! Not like it wasn't shamed already... but that's beside the point. I have to be strong he thought. I can't let things like him get to me. He took a deep breath.  
  
"Who are you again?" he said, his voice still shaky. God, nervous breakdowns were hard  
  
"SHAZOOM!" the little man cried, and clapped his hands like a little kid who heard their dad swear, and then he hoped the kid didn't hear, but it did and it goes "Bitch! Bitch! Bitch!" over and over gleefully and somehow it knows, it knows than mommy with be pissed and does the little devil really want daddy to sleep on the couch?  
  
"So then, Shazoom, what brings you here?" Harry said.  
  
"DOOM!! IMPENDING DOOM!" Shazoom said. "WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!" Then, an insane look crept over his tiny features and he began talking fluently to the tree. In tree. Not English. He made creaking noises and waved his arms like branches and looked really stupid. It was beginning to scare Harry, so he took out his want and yelled "Transportamous!" Instantly, the little midget was gone. A still shaky looking Draco, looking slightly ruffled from sleep and utterly ridiculous in the lightning bolt boxers, decided to speak up.  
  
"What did you do?" he asked.  
  
"I transported him to a very steep cliff where many many people 'accidentally' fall off. I figured he might like the view," Harry smirked.  
  
"I would have transported him OVER the cliff," a very disgruntled Draco said.  
  
"Touché," Harry said, with an amused look at him, still sitting on the ground. "Didn't like the sneeze comment now did we?"  
  
"No," Draco mumbled, and began to rummage around in the food bag. He dropped it with a scream.  
  
"OH MY GOD! HARRY! THERE ARE LITTLE FISH IN THERE!! OH MY GOD!!" Draco scuttled away, while Harry calmly walked up, opened the bag, pulled out a sardine and popped it raw into his mouth. Draco screamed again and fainted.  
  
"Interesting," Harry remarked, "I'll have to remember that one." He popped another fishy into his mouth, closed the can, and said "Enervate!" and with a flick of his wand Draco was again conscious and refused to come anywhere near Harry.  
  
"You ATE that FISH!" he shrieked, "RAW! Do you have ANY idea where that's BEEN?"  
  
"Nope," Harry replied cheerfully.  
  
"Ahh!" Draco yelled in exasperation and climbed under the pile of blankets where he had previously been curled, mumbling something about ways to murder people with fish in a can. His resounding snores where soon flooding the quiet forest with noise. Harry followed suit, changing into his pajamas and falling asleep to the constant rhythm of Draco's nasal inadequacies and the soft comforting noises of the forest.  
  
-----------------------  
  
Meanwhile, back at the castle......  
  
"Lemon drop?" Dumbledore asked.  
  
"Not now, you crazy old coot!" McGonagall barked "We have work to do! We need to send reinforcements out to those two poor boys out in the middle of everywhere! Who knows what happened to them!"  
  
"Right." Dumbledore popped a little yellow candy into his mouth, and turned to his other side. "Lemon drop?"  
  
Snape just glared menacingly. "Okay then," Dumbledore said cheerily. "More for me!" And he popped half the bowl into his mouth.  
  
McGonagall continued ranting on ways to help our heroes, Dumbledore continued eating, and Snape continued glaring. Remus Lupin picked his nose, and Tonks changed her nose to resemble her butt and then back. Remus thought it was a rather cute butt. McGonagall didn't notice. Slowly, unsteadily, Tonks raised her hand.  
  
"Professor?" she asked, "Do we even know why she was taken?"  
  
"Well, no." McGonagall admitted. "But we did bomb some military bases. Well, trees. And we interrogated a gazelle!" She said hopefully.  
  
"Ahh. Shouldn't we figure out the reason before we make a plan of action?" Tonks replied meekly.  
  
"DON'T CONTRADICT ME! I KNOW THINGS YOU CANNOT EVEN IMMAGINE KNOWING!" She screamed, flecks of spit embedding themselves in Tonks' hair. "Now," she continued in a normal voice. "Our next order of business is to determine why the Weasley girl was taken, before we do anything else." Tonks pouted. Lupin picked. Snape glowered. And Dumbledore ate. Business had resumed.  
  
-------------------------  
  
In the infirmary, Ron and Hermione had awoken, and been told that Harry was currently on a secret mission with Draco. They promptly fainted again.  
  
A/N: I had a really bad weekend. Sorry this chapter was so late. I love three out of the four of my reviewers, redredredred (Thanks for the Strawberry Shortcake, it is my favorite!), monkeyswitaxes44, and MiruSedna (I aim to please!) To my fourth and final reviewer, phoenix-seer, if you cant be bothered to read it, then why review? And the fact that Blaise has boobs is a bit of a tip off that it's a girl in my story, because I couldn't picture my baby with nasty Pansy Parkinson or disgusting Millicent Bulstrode. And I know what I said, and I said what I meant. 


	9. Karaoke

Chapter 9  
  
Harry woke up like a swimmer comes out of the water, reluctantly, the depths of sleep still washing over him as he slowly, reluctantly surfaced to the land of the living. Or he would have, at least, if he hadn't hazily opened his eyes to find Draco perched on his chest, face inches from his own.  
  
"ARRRRRRRRRRG!!" Harry yelped and hurled himself to his feet, momentum propelling him into a near by tree, on which he leaned, panting. "WHAT DID YOU THINK YOU WERE DOING?"  
  
"Just trying to see if you were awake is all," Draco drawled in an almost bored tone. Harry's heart had begun to stop beating its frantic cadence on his complaining ribs, and he placed a hand over it, as if to reassure. As his breathing came in less desperate gasps, and the color began to return to his face, he raised his eyes to meet his offenders, and glared.  
  
"Don't DO that," he complained, still short of breath, "its bloody terrifying."  
  
"Noted," Draco said, rolling his eyes and giving the impression he really couldn't care less whether Harry died of a heart attack before he killed the Dark Lord or not. He tramped over to the bag of groceries, pulling out a wilting loaf of bread and looking skeptically at a still haggard looking Harry.  
  
"Breakfast?" he said, amusement softening the lace of sarcasm in his voice.  
  
"Lovely, isn't it?" Harry smiled sadly "But we can't afford anything else; the money has to last us for weeks, maybe even months. Trust me, next Tuesday when you're eating bugs it will look more appealing." Harry yawned suddenly, turning his head up to the sky as his did so. His eyes widened, and he froze mid-yawn, hair splayed out in all directions.  
  
"Draco!" he yelped again, "What time is it?" The sun was not, as he had previously thought, in the easterly side of the sky, it was dangerously close to the west, as if it was... setting? Draco calmly looked at his watch.  
  
"Half past six, why do you ask?" He looked mildly amused at Harry's gasp of disbelief.  
  
"In the... in... in the night?" Harry stuttered, "But, why didn't you wake me.... We lost an entire day!! We're no closer to Ginny than yesterday!" He flailed his arms violently, causing several birds to squawk in protest and fly away from where they had been peacefully resting in the branches of the surrounding trees. His eyes glared menacingly, or at least as menacingly as one can look from behind coke-bottle glasses.  
  
"I did try and wake you up," Draco said, "but you bit me." He said, a bit unbelievingly and a bit more disgustedly, as his held up a poorly bandaged hand. He pouted. "It hurt."  
  
"It's useless to try and move on tonight. I suppose," Harry thought out loud, ignoring Draco's whimpers of pain and demands for sympathy. Instead, he turned to Draco and grinned. "Get dressed" he ordered as he did the same. Draco complied hesitantly, a bit scared to go anywhere near The Boy With The Vicious Fish-And-Draco-Eating Mouth.  
  
"Why?" Draco drawled, managing to sound completely normal despite the fact he was in the middle of an unknown forest with Harry Potter in his underwear. A situation many were faced with and could relate, of course.  
  
"We're going into town," Harry said, his voices overly full of cheer with a hint of danger.  
  
Draco whimpered. Then he figured he did that a bit much and that he should think of something new to do when he was scared. Whimpering couldn't be very manly, could it? And of course, he wanted to be very manly for Ginny. This was why he tried all the creams, potions, pills and exercises, and also why he had to try explaining to Madam Pomfrey how he had managed to sprain that while simultaneously managing to develop a very nasty looking rash in areas he generally didn't display to the public. Except when stupid Harry Potter kicked him out of the Quidditch shed.  
  
~*~  
  
Town was a bit of a strong name for the group of tiny shops, clustered around one dirt road. All of them were dark and appeared to be closed.  
  
"Great nightlife this place has. Great choice Potter," Draco mumbled, and reached over to slap his companion. Harry ducked, as they rounded the corner, he pointed to a large building at the end of the street, which was brightly lit and the sounds of music, laughter and fun spilled out into the night.  
  
"Karaoke Night," Harry said with a smile.  
  
"What's a karaoke?" Draco asked.  
  
"You'll see." Draco was a bit frightened. Wonder Boy was looking especially devious, more so than he even looked, and he was a Slytherin! Yes, something was definitely up. They pushed open the door, and were assaulted by loud, loud singing and cheering. Harry turned to Draco and screamed over the music,  
  
"I DARE YOU TO SING THE NEXT SONG!"  
  
"I DON'T SING!" Draco screamed back.  
  
"YOU DO NOW!!" Harry shoved Draco forcefully onto the stage, where a grimy looking muggle shoved a microphone into his hands and pointed to a TV on the left side of the stage.  
  
"Lyrics," he said into Draco's ear. "Have fun..." "Wait!" Draco called him back. "What do I do?"  
  
"SING!" the old man giggled and pointed to the box again as his strode off. Draco curiously examined the large box. Was he to go and pull lyrics out of the box? Obviously not, he thought as the screen flickered to life, nearly scaring him senseless. He watched as words came across the screen. Magic!! he thought. Anything with magic can't be too bad. Music started off behind him, loud Rock & Roll type music, his favorite. He began mumbling the words as they changed color,  
  
"I'm goin out tonight-I'm feelin' alright  
  
Gonna let it all hang out  
  
Wanna make some noise-really raise my voice  
  
Yeah, I wanna scream and shout,"  
  
He wasn't sure what to do with the black stick in his hand (the microphone) so he let it hang by his side. The old man mimed putting it to his mouth, so he did, and nearly jumped out of his skin when his voice boomed across the room.  
  
"No inhibitions-make no conditions  
  
Get a little outta line  
  
I ain't gonna act politically correct  
  
I only wanna have a good time"  
  
Draco started to get into his song, swaying his hips a bit and smiled shyly at the crowed. Harry, for some reason, was laughing his head off every time Draco sang another word...was his singing that bad? He had never sung before outside of the shower, but none of his housemates had ever complained. I'll show him. Draco suddenly had the urge to prove to Harry that he could indeed sing with the best of them. He cleared his throat, and burst into song.  
  
"The best thing about being a woman  
  
Is the prerogative to have a little fun and..."  
  
Draco flashed the crowd a fantastic Malfoy smile, women swooned, cat calls were heard, and there was the distinct thump as Harry hyperventilated and passed out onto the floor. No one noticed.  
  
"Oh, oh, oh, go totally crazy-forget I'm a lady  
  
Men's shirts-short skirts"  
  
He threw his head back and forth on each "oh" causing his hair to swish back and forth across his face.  
  
"Oh, oh, oh, really go wild-yeah, doin' it in style  
  
Oh, oh, oh, get in the action-feel the attraction  
  
Color my hair-do what I dare  
  
Oh, oh, oh, I wanna be free-yeah, to feel the way I feel  
  
Man! I feel like a woman!" At the last line, he slid on his knees across the stage, and winked at a particularly dazed looking girl in the front row. She joined Harry, unconscious on the floor.  
  
"The girls need a break-tonight we're gonna take  
  
The chance to get out on the town  
  
We don't need romance-we only wanna dance  
  
We're gonna let our hair hang down"  
  
The noise of the crowd was deafening... Draco ran the length of the front of the stage, slapping hands and was surprised when a particularly ugly girl tried to pull him off. He decided not to do that again.  
  
"The best thing about being a woman  
  
Is the prerogative to have a little fun and..."  
  
Draco was back in the middle of the stage, and feeling kind of warm. He seductively began to unbutton his shirt, planning on really giving the muggles a show.  
  
"Oh, oh, oh, go totally crazy-forget I'm a lady  
  
Men's shirts-short skirts  
  
Oh, oh, oh, really go wild-yeah, doin' it in style"  
  
The shirt was completely unbuttoned, and his chest was visible. Three women fainted and one burly looking man clutched his chest, gasping for breath. Interesting, Draco thought.  
  
"Oh, oh, oh, get in the action-feel the attraction  
  
Color my hair-do what I dare  
  
Oh, oh, oh, I wanna be free-yeah, to feel the way I feel  
  
Man! I feel like a woman!"  
  
He licked his lips on the last line, and at least four more women hit the floor. The gasping man was starting to look a bit purple.  
  
"The best thing about being a woman  
  
Is the prerogative to have a little fun and..."  
  
The shirt came off. He tossed it into the crowd. Resounding thuds were heard all around. Draco lost count of how many.  
  
"Oh, oh, oh, go totally crazy-forget I'm a lady  
  
Men's shirts-short skirts  
  
Oh, oh, oh, really go wild-yeah, doin' it in style  
  
Oh, oh, oh, get in the action-feel the attraction  
  
Color my hair-do what I dare  
  
Oh, oh, oh, I wanna be free-yeah, to feel the way I feel  
  
Man! I feel like a woman!"  
  
Draco fell to his knees, crawling seductively on the stage, sticking his butt up into the air and looking as thoroughly shaggable as humanly possible. The crowd roared. Harry's head reappeared for just a moment, before catching sight of Draco, and promptly disappearing again. He smiled. More thuds.  
  
"I get totally crazy"  
  
He crawled forward  
  
"Can you feel it?"  
  
His lips were dry. He wet them.  
  
"Come, come, come on baby"  
  
Reaching the end of the stage, he gently cupped a very pretty young woman's face in the palm of his hand, and stared straight into her eyes.  
  
"I feel like a woman"  
  
The slap resounded across the room. His cheek stung and she no longer looked in love with him, she looked angry. He put his hand to his injured face and looked at her with wide eyes.  
  
"That's utterly disgusting," she said, and left.  
  
"Was it something I said?" he called after her, bewildered. Standing, he looked around for Harry. Spotting him sitting at a table in the back, he walked over, slightly disturbed as the muggles reached over to touch him when he walked by. He blew them kisses, and was put out when only a very large man, reminiscent of Vernon Dursley, returned them. He walked faster. When he reached Harry, the other man burst into a fit of giggles once again. His hand gently slapped the side of Draco's face, and his peals of laughter rang across the room.  
  
"That," he gasped, "was utterly brilliant." A bunch of the muggle men had started to close in on them. Draco grabbed Harry's hand and they bolted for the door. Harry regained control of himself, but that stupid smile didn't disappear as the cold night air hit them full on. Draco yelped as it hit his bear chest, but didn't complain for once.  
  
"Harry?" he asked. Harry looked at him expectantly. "Why did she slap me?" Harry giggled.  
  
"It's generally not a turn on to tell a girl you 'feel like a woman' mate, sorry to break it to you." Harry looked about read to burst with laughter again.  
  
"Well what do you know?" Draco huffed, and marched determinedly back down the road leaving Harry standing where he was.  
  
Harry was glad McGonagall had packed him extra underwear, as he began to laugh again.  
  
A/N: Love to Ronslilangel2. That review seriously made my day. Should our boys go cow tipping? Or should we find Ginny? 


	10. Destination Reached

Draco was tired of walking. Once the boys had returned from the... unfortunate karaoke incident, he had immediately gathered up his stuff, shoved in into his bag, and stalked off down the road leaving Harry behind. It was a mile or two before he realized he had absolutely no idea where he was going, and had to wait by the side of the road for Harry. When said boy arrived, Draco resumed his silent walk despite Harry's strangled giggles.  
  
Now, three days and no words later, Draco was getting tired of not insulting Harry and his legs burned. They had stopped briefly for sleep, (or lack there of, it was only four bloody hours a night) and Draco was soon reminded why it was Harry Potter that was the savior of the wizarding world, not him. Any woman he ends up with is going to be damn lucky, with stamina like this, he thought. Then, he mentally slapped himself for thinking about Harry's sex life, and distracted himself with images of Ginny naked. That peep hole in the boys Quidditch locker rooms wasn't there for nothing, you know.  
  
Draco wasn't paying attention as the boys crested the top of the hill, and so he was slightly miffed when Harry grabbed him and pulled him to the ground.  
  
"What was MMMMFFF!!?" Draco attempted to bite Harry's hand as it was slapped over his mouth, but stopped when he saw what he was looking at.  
  
At the bottom of the hill was a semi-large castle, nothing to Hogwarts, of course, but still quite a lot larger then Harry's cupboard, anyway. He figured his opinions on large and small might be a bit distorted. Harry glanced down and under himself. He quite hoped they weren't, he decided.  
  
Dead, disfigured muggles hung from the castle walls like the banners that hung from over the house tables back at Hogwarts. Harry heard Draco's sharp intake of breath and removed his hand. Around the perimeters, they could see anywhere from three to six wizards in bottle-black robes with the hoods drawn up over their heads. Harry bent down to check the map Dumbledore had given him. It was no ordinary map. It would show the location of the person one most wanted to find. Right now, he most wanted to find Ginny. But who would it be after that? Harry thought of his parents, and Sirius. You can't find dead people, he thought, can you?  
  
A slight whimper to his left returned him to the present. Draco had gone beyond pale, he was nearly about to faint. His knuckles were white, and Harry could see the blood leaking out from where he clenched his nails into his fists. He reached a tentative hand over, and patted the now shaking boy on the back.  
  
"I didn't know they did this," the boy blurted out.  
  
Harry was surprised; he had always figured Draco to be the next generation of muggle-killers, even if he wasn't in with his father and Voldemort. But the more he thought, the more he realized that Draco wasn't that kind of person. He would be too lazy for this, Harry decided. But then, why accompany me for six days on a trip to rescue some girl he hardly even knows?  
  
Harry shook his head. What Draco did, or didn't do was none of his business, providing no one died or anything. Speaking of Draco, he thought, and turned to his left to see if he had stopped shaking, or, lack there of.  
  
Draco was gone.  
  
---------------------------- Meanwhile, back at Hogwarts........  
  
McGonagall was deathly pale as she paced the office.  
  
"Minerva?" Dumbledore questioned, "What is it?"  
  
"I figured it out," she replied, and went, if that's possible, even paler.  
  
"Figured what out?" Remus Lupin demanded, he face was, in contrast to McGonagall's, red and blotchy, as if he had been crying.  
  
McGonagall stopped, and turned to face him.  
  
"Why Ginny's been taken. And where Harry's gone."  
  
------------------------------  
  
Ron and Hermione made their way slowly back to their dorms.  
  
"Dumbledore would tell us, if something happened to Harry, right?" Hermione asked, her voice cracking.  
  
"Of course, 'Mione, I mean, we're his best friends!" Despite the reassuring words, Ron's inner turmoil was just as brutal as Hermione's.  
  
The couple reached the portrait hole, and slowly clambered in, Ron unconsciously slipping a hand around Hermione's waist to help her. He blushed a bright red when he realized it, and attempted to remove it. He blushed even deeper, all the way to the tips of his ears, when Hermione covered it with her own. She turned to face him.  
  
"I'm really scared, Ron." Her face was inches from his; he could smell her breath on his face, on his lips. She smelled like honey, and books, and something else, something he couldn't quite place but he knew had to be uniquely her own. Flyaway brown hair tickled his nose, and he wanted to sneeze. DON'T! He thought, you'll ruin the moment, you big moron, and then you may never get her back, and...  
  
His thoughts were cut off as soft, slightly chapped lips ghosted his own, and his eyes fluttered shut, and he figured, If this is what happens every time Harry goes away on a mission, I hope he never comes back! 


End file.
